He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
