No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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