Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
