I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
