I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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