we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
