I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize