i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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