yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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