i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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