Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
