drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
