I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
