saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
