I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
