now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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