if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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