hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
