We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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