I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I supernannyed him into submission
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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