"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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