I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
