can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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