U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
