I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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