I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
