So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
