Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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