if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
