Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize