i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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