Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
