Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
