In the future we'll all be gay
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
