Plan B is the new Plan A
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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