i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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