You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
