I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
