the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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