I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
