I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
