i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
