I met the friendliest cop last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
