yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
