I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize