I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
