i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
