VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
