Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
