There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
