Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
