I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
