btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
