Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
