I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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