I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
