I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
