omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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