Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
