I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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